Vilification

I don't understand or have the ability to comprehend ever being in another romantic relationship again. Having not been in anything lasting more than a few months in the last 5 years, I don't think it's even possible for me to one day wake up and look at my partner and say, "Wow..we've been together a year now...5 years....10 years". It really seems impossible. I feel like I have a better chance of curing cancer than finding another relationship that isn't anything except a short-term negative experience.

I can change how I pick women. I can change how I think about relationships and dating. I can choose how I want to react and what paths I will walk down. But even with a positive outlook and an optimistic view, I can't make a positive experience happen. How will I actually know if I'm having a positive experience now when all I expect are bad things to happen with every new person I go out with? I feel lost.

Apathy

Am I not supposed to have what I want? With all the hard work I've been doing on myself I only seem to be pushing away the ones I don't want. I know that's a good thing in and of itself, but what about the ones I do want? They are no closer to me now than they were before. The most I get is that they are happy I was interested. But why is everyone so afraid nowadays? What's happened to us? Are we so jaded and burned that we simply cease to care and isolate in order to protect ourselves? I feel myself slowly slipping into this habit. I really don't understand it all.

Every song my emotions

I listen to the same songs day to day and I love them all. The words of the songs speak of love, pain, joy, happiness, longing, and heartache. But I just enjoy the melodies the most since I don't reflect on love nor do I currently have it in my life. I am able to analyze the music as a trained musician and dissect the various parts all the while ignoring the underlying meaning to the words and the emotions they are meant to evoke. I simply enjoy the sound.

Yet, when she contacted me recently...after almost a year with no closure on what was the first time in 4 yrs I felt I was falling in love again......every song...every word.....every melody is now become my thoughts....my feelings...my longing...and my heartache. I want the music to stop now. I no longer enjoy listening to it.