Should I stay or should I go??

So I've been seeing this girl who lives in Arlington. We went to high school together and have since reconnected last Thanksgiving. Ever since then we have been slowly talking and getting to know each other. However, now we're officially "dating". I would almost have to say we're somewhat in a relationship now too. It's not officially official yet, but pretty darn close. I'm not sure what to do though.

She is about to start a clinicial lab sciences program which may lead to her finishing a Master's degree. The CLS program alone will be 16 months of her life. She will be a full-time student during the day 8-5pm and will have to work part-time in the evenings and on weekends to make ends meet. Which means, we will never be able to see each other. If we don't have our weekends, then dating is going to be impossible. At least from my logical point of view. A real relationship...at least a healthy one, needs in person contact. Internet and txt msging only go so far. You HAVE to see each other and spend time together in person. CONTACT. That's what it's all about. And damn my luck, we're about to not even have that. Not as if the long distance wasn't bad enough. Now we'll never see each other...at least not for 16 months or 2 years. She's been here the last 3 weekends to see me. We've met each other's parents and have talked about what to do. Neither of us have any answers.

I'm starting a heavy 2 class summer session for my MBA, and I myself have at least 16 months to go. Some friends have said, "Just wait the 16 months when you're both finished with school.". No...that doesn't work for me. People change...feelings change...I don't know that we're solid enough right now to go almost 2 years without really having contact and STILL want to be together at the end of that. To be honest, I really don't know her that well. We went to HS, but were never friends then. If you add up all the time we've spent in person together since Nov08, it's been maybe 3-4 weeks. Of course we chat, talk on the phone, txt, and email 10000X a day. But still...in person..maybe 4 weeks. She's starting the 16 month long CLS program in the summer. We have until July, and then (if she does the program), our relationship comes crashing to a halt. She says she doesn't want that and I know for sure I don't. But I'm clueless as to how to make this work.

My instincts are telling me to just bail. Why fight for it when it's still so new and we're not "in love" or anything? Friends have told me I would be stupid to do that. They've said, "You never know. Everything can change in 6 months...it could change tomorrow....don't give up just yet". But I don't want to sit here and wish and hope that she doesn't do the program. That would be selfish and wrong of me. But to be honest...deep down...I wish she would just find a better job and not go to this program. At least then we'd have our weekends together. :-(

What to do

I've got a lot going on lately. I'm stressed about Grad school. I have 6 more classes to take before I graduate. I've been a bit disinterested in Grad school for the last year or so and have taken only one class a semester since my 2nd semester in the program. I used to have a life, so taking one class a semester allowed me to maintain that and still be in school. Well, my dating and social lives are now a thing of the past and I'm wanting to hurry up and get finished with the MBA. However, there's one problem.

I'm afraid of the Finance class I need to take. Everyone that takes it has the choice of taking it with a guy named Pracado online, or with the Indian Dr. Sundar in person. Apparently Sundar's english isn't too great, so being that it is a difficult course to begin with, his broken English makes it even worse. The other option, the online class, is even worse. Everyone with a 4.0 GPA that takes it gets a C in the class. It's that hard. In fact, it's so hard that most people who take it with Pracado, have to take it again because they make D's or F's. Yeah...Finance is NOT my best subject and I don't have a good background in it. So I'm worried. No matter when I take it, I need to take it alone and not with any other classes.

So here's what I'm thinking. I'll take Finance in the summer if I can get Sundar in person. If not, I'll take two electives to get them out of the way. If I can take Fin in the summer and IF I pass it and my GPA stays at 3.0 or higher, I'll only need to take 2 classes a semester for another year and I'll be done. Otherwise, we're looking at another two years to finish at my current one class a semester speed. F*&#@.

Also, I've been invited to go hiking for 5 days in the Grand Canyon in May. I have no experience with hiking or backpacking and the person that wants me to go is a woman I've been interested in for some time. She's not interested in dating, so going away on a trip like this doesn't sound like a great idea. Even though part of me does want to do it. She's an experienced hiker and has invited 4 other people to join. I'm not sure what to expect and she's not the greatest at really explaining things without taking the long way around and missing all the important details. I'm thinking of saying no just because my instincts are telling me not to go there.

I have a wedding in June I have to go to as well. It's in Louisiana and is for one of my good female friends. She and I have a music duo project of her singing and me playing the guitar. She's a close friend, but I really don't agree with her getting married. She has NO idea what's in store for her. She's a single mom and has been married twice before to the same man. Yeah...twice before to the same man...LONG story. Anyways, the man's she's engaged to is a seminary student at Baylor!! My friend is a well-known wildchild and simply cannot be caged. Oh yeah, less than a year ago, she was an atheist too. No shit. I'd like to believe people can change, but in her case, I think she's pretending to be someone she's not just so she can finally have a man that isn't white trash or abusive. Preacher boy seems like a nice guy and apparently had a wild past before finding Jesus or whatever. I don't believe she's ready for this. Preacher's wives...esp Baylor preachers' wives are EXPECTED to be good little Baptist Christian women. Almost like Stepford Wives. Who the F wants to live their life like that?

My friend..the singer, like myself, is NOT someone who can be contained. Give her an inch of freedom and she'll take an entire light year. I've seen this in person and I know for a fact she's kidding herself if she thinks this is going to last. I don't know HOW in the world to approach her about this....so I'm venting it here. I'm worried for her, scared, and a little disappointed that she would be so foolish to pretend to be someone else. I'm not saying the path of self-destruction she was on a year ago was good. I just think she needs to develop and awareness of herself and deal with who she REALLY is before she gets married again.

It's not really my problem, but I'm very concerned about this. I'd rather not go to a wedding I don't think is going to result in a life-long marriage, but that's me. Of course, I can never tell her that and I will go to Louisiana with a big smile on my face and wish them well and say I'm happy for them.

So there's what's eating me lately. I NEED a freakin vacation. However, I don't think my Grand Canyon trip is going to be what I need. I will need a vacation from that vacation is that's what I choose to do. I want to go to a beach...I want to go deep sea fishing again and eat seafood everyday and drink beer on the beach. Even if I have to do it alone...I'll do it. I need to get away and clear my head.

Desiderata

I've been having a rough time lately. Dealing with a lot and ironically enough, my life has been going really great. I think a lot of it is self-imposed. I can't seem to make sense of people anymore. I'm not depressed, nor do I need therapy or meds. I just feel like my polarity is reversed and the people I want to be close to are being pushed away. I know it's not all me. But still, I'm bothered. It's times like this when I try my best to remember my favorite poem. It's called "Desiderata". If I never do anything else right my entire life, I hope to live as this poem suggests. Here it is:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Not Me Monday...03/02/09

I will link the offical "Not me" site to this one eventually. But until then, here's a list of everything I didn't do.

I did NOT break a water line while digging in my yard yesterday trying to remove an old basketball goal.

I did NOT agree to a hook up from a friend, then delete the girl from my Facebook when she wouldn't respond to my simple hello email after an entire week.

I did NOT decide to just finish a class project myself in order to get it finished.

I did NOT fall asleep on the couch every night last week and last night when I was tired and should have just moved to the bed.

I did NOT agree to be friends with a woman I dated and then try and sleep with her still.

Once again, I did NOT plan to go to the Pub Church, then bail at the last minute.

I also did NOT start working on refinishing a guitar, then stop and not go get the supplies I needed yesterday.

After swearing off dating, I certainly did NOT agree to two new possible setups from friends eager to get me a girlfriend. ;-) Not me.

Not Me Monday

This is my first time posting one of these...So here's everything I HAVEN'T done in the last week..and today. ;-)

I did not snap and yell at my dog this weekend because he wouldn't eat when he was supposed to.

I didn't snooze too much and arrive a tad late at work this morning.

I am not unhappy that I'm single. I'm 100% ok with the fact that in the last two years I can't seem to meet one single decent woman.

I did not RSVP to last night's pub church event and then not show up.

I did not blow money on guitar supplies I didn't really need.

I didn't spend most of last night and the night before playing F.E.A.R. 2 on PS3 and loving every minute of it.

I did not tell my ex-girlfriend that I wanted us to be friends and hang out because I really enjoy her company and not because of anything else.

I also didn't go to HEB late last night, then eat an entire pint of ice cream while playing PS3.

Finally, I am not a complete nerd and researched a layman's explanation of Einstein's Theory of Relativity because I bought his book years ago and couldn't make it past the 3rd chapter.

Nope..NOT me.