Vilification

I don't understand or have the ability to comprehend ever being in another romantic relationship again. Having not been in anything lasting more than a few months in the last 5 years, I don't think it's even possible for me to one day wake up and look at my partner and say, "Wow..we've been together a year now...5 years....10 years". It really seems impossible. I feel like I have a better chance of curing cancer than finding another relationship that isn't anything except a short-term negative experience.

I can change how I pick women. I can change how I think about relationships and dating. I can choose how I want to react and what paths I will walk down. But even with a positive outlook and an optimistic view, I can't make a positive experience happen. How will I actually know if I'm having a positive experience now when all I expect are bad things to happen with every new person I go out with? I feel lost.

Apathy

Am I not supposed to have what I want? With all the hard work I've been doing on myself I only seem to be pushing away the ones I don't want. I know that's a good thing in and of itself, but what about the ones I do want? They are no closer to me now than they were before. The most I get is that they are happy I was interested. But why is everyone so afraid nowadays? What's happened to us? Are we so jaded and burned that we simply cease to care and isolate in order to protect ourselves? I feel myself slowly slipping into this habit. I really don't understand it all.

Every song my emotions

I listen to the same songs day to day and I love them all. The words of the songs speak of love, pain, joy, happiness, longing, and heartache. But I just enjoy the melodies the most since I don't reflect on love nor do I currently have it in my life. I am able to analyze the music as a trained musician and dissect the various parts all the while ignoring the underlying meaning to the words and the emotions they are meant to evoke. I simply enjoy the sound.

Yet, when she contacted me recently...after almost a year with no closure on what was the first time in 4 yrs I felt I was falling in love again......every song...every word.....every melody is now become my thoughts....my feelings...my longing...and my heartache. I want the music to stop now. I no longer enjoy listening to it.

Mirrors – part 1

“Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Are we alone in this universe? When will we ever know? Even if we did know, would we feel safe in that knowledge? Would it bring us comfort? Are there others out there, living out their daily lives in much the same way we do; going to jobs, raising families, worshiping deities and feeling the same emotions that we here on Earth feel? I wager that the human brain, for all its marvelous accomplishments, is still quite inferior compared to the vastness that awaits us in the cosmos. Ever since the dawn of human civilization, our ancestors have looked into the night sky wondering if anyone was out there looking back at us. In order to feel less alone in the greatness of space, and subsequently time, they imagined great gods, heroes, and other creatures in the night sky watching over them and moving about the sky in an orchestrated pattern that told their story. The overwhelming size of the cosmos is more than just humbling, it is frightening. It is truly more than the human race can as yet imagine. So far, we know this: There are more stars in the observable night sky than there are grains of sand on every beach on the entire Earth.

Our galaxy, the Milky Way, is a medium-sized city of stars. We know that within it, there are between 400 and 500 billion stars. Thanks to the discoveries made by Edwin Hubble, and the telescope later named after him, we know there are literally countless billions of galaxies. Each of these galaxies contain anywhere between 100 and more than 500 billion stars. Is our little blue planet, which resides on the outskirts of one of the outer arms of the Milky Way the only place where life and intelligence have developed? Simply playing the law of odds and using basic probability math, we can estimate that we are in fact most definitely not alone. Frank Drake, the founder of the SETI institute (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) postulated this equation in the now infamous “Drake Equation” which stated that even with the most skeptical odds against intelligent life in the Milky Way, there would still be hundreds of thousands of civilizations out there; and some could very well be close to home.

Years ago, science would have said there was a possibility that life on Earth was unique and probably hasn’t cropped up in as many places as we’d hoped, based on our observations at that time. However, we now know that life is more resilient and determined than we previously thought. Life can create itself just about anywhere on the planet Earth, use chemicals that would almost instantly kill human life, and can easily do so in some of the harshest environments that would instantly destroy any plant or animal life, including humans, that happened to fall into it. So consider this, what would an alien life form from another world be like? Would we even know we were looking at something that was alive? Even if we did, could we ever understand it when it doesn’t compare exactly to ourselves? Or will our arrogance and concern for the self-made paradigm of life be our ultimate end in understanding the cosmos?

“We take off into the cosmos, ready for anything - - solitude, hardship, exhaustion, death. We're proud of ourselves. But when you think about it, our enthusiasm's a sham. We don't want other worlds; we want mirrors.” – Ulrich Tukur from the movie Solaris (2002).

We are not ready for alien life. Whether that life is single-celled or multi-cellular with an intelligence and self-awareness, we are not ready to meet it. Astronomers, physicists, biologists and others have spent their lives believing and publishing books explaining that life on other worlds is likely to not exist because so far as we know, the Earth is the only planet capable of supporting life. All life on Earth is carbon based. Life, as we know it, consists of the following basic elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Carbon, Nitrogen, Phosphorus, and Sulfur combined in some form or fashion. For the whole life of science, since the beginning, this is what defined life. How short-sighted of us to believe this could be the only possible mixture that gives the great mystery called life. The human race for all its intelligence and discovery still has no forward-thinking when it comes to what the nature of life could be. Scientists demand evidence, and proof-positive that another chemical mixture can give life. They refused to attempt to think outside the box, and instead remained stuck in their dogmatic ways in the search for life outside our planet. Recently however, we learned that a bacteria lives in a lake in California that needs arsenic to survive. Does this small bacteria feed on arsenic, a toxic poison to some? No. Its basic DNA structure, the code by which all life as we know it is built requires arsenic in order to remain stable and to replicate itself so that the life-form can live. Arsenic, a chemical known to be extremely deadly to all plant and animal life on the planet Earth is a required element needed to form a life-form. This is probably the greatest discovery so far of the 21^st century. It is the kind of discovery we needed in order to think deeper about the nature of life. However, this says nothing about the nature of intelligence, what kind we might find out there, and just how completely alien it will be when compared to ourselves.

“An alien intelligence has to be move advanced. That means efficiency functioning on multiple levels and in multiple dimensions” – John Hurt from the movie Contact

Why do we look for mirrors? Why did we assume that life would be chemically and biologically similar us? An alien intelligence will not mirror our own. How could it? It is not human. Any intelligence behind us technologically will still be so completely alien to us, that we might never understand it, let alone have deep conversations with it and share knowledge. Alien intelligence that is more evolved and more advanced than us we will never be able to understand unless it dumbed itself down to our level and helped us. Even then, we’d only be scratching the surface and would never fully know its mind. How can we hope to understand an alien intelligence when we barely understand ourselves? Alien life is called alien for a reason. It is not human and never will be. Even if a benevolent race introduced itself to us and wanted to learn about us, it would never fully understand us either without being human.

I love the scene in the movie “Contact” where the scientists, after downloading the alien signal, fumble for months over how to align the data sent to them in order to decode it. One character makes the remark that this intelligence was obviously more advanced than us being able to actually send us this complex message in the first place. Therefore it would, by nature, be more efficient and would need to think on multiple levels and in more than two dimensions. Once the data was combined in a three-dimensional format, the message was made clear. Finally, when the craft was created that would send humans to meet the aliens, they realized the only intention the aliens had was to meet us and to know us. There were no hostile intentions or even a positive intention to share their knowledge. They just wanted to know and said they did what they did because that’s just what they did, and that process has gone on for billions of years.

“Why do you think it has to want something? Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? There are no answers, only choices.” – Ulrich Tukur from the movie Solaris (2002).

Why would they want anything from us in the first place? Of course “Contact” is a work of fiction, but in reality why do they have to want something? Do we want anything from ants? Do we go to the anthills in our backyards and lean down and attempt to speak to them? Do we offer them our great knowledge or technology? No, of course not, they are ants and even millions of years from now, they would never understand a human being or what we can do. The distance between humans and advanced alien life, would be the same as the distance between humans and ants. Until we reach their level (if we don't destroy ourselves first), we will never be able to understand them in any way.

The same holds true for the planet in the novel “Solaris”. It needed no motivation, and even if it had something similar to a motivation, we wouldn’t understand it. Human beings always try and ascribe meaning to everything in our lives. We try to subjugate everything to our varied emotional states in order to define the realities in which we live. Our varying focus in the moment is what defines our existence. And yet, we seek absolute answers. Analyzing and debating, testing, and classifying will do us no good in the end. Nothing is true, everything is permitted, and we shall never know another intelligent life-form or see through the dark glass that separates us through the cosmic ocean of space and time. We are children, and we shall remain children until we put away our childish preconceptions and extend our knowledge and our wisdom into a realm where we become more than the sum of our experiences.

1st Corinthians, Chapter 13:

“10. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12. For now we see through a glass, darkly...

Disassociation.

I'm tired of Earth. These people. I'm tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.

Should I stay or should I go??

So I've been seeing this girl who lives in Arlington. We went to high school together and have since reconnected last Thanksgiving. Ever since then we have been slowly talking and getting to know each other. However, now we're officially "dating". I would almost have to say we're somewhat in a relationship now too. It's not officially official yet, but pretty darn close. I'm not sure what to do though.

She is about to start a clinicial lab sciences program which may lead to her finishing a Master's degree. The CLS program alone will be 16 months of her life. She will be a full-time student during the day 8-5pm and will have to work part-time in the evenings and on weekends to make ends meet. Which means, we will never be able to see each other. If we don't have our weekends, then dating is going to be impossible. At least from my logical point of view. A real relationship...at least a healthy one, needs in person contact. Internet and txt msging only go so far. You HAVE to see each other and spend time together in person. CONTACT. That's what it's all about. And damn my luck, we're about to not even have that. Not as if the long distance wasn't bad enough. Now we'll never see each other...at least not for 16 months or 2 years. She's been here the last 3 weekends to see me. We've met each other's parents and have talked about what to do. Neither of us have any answers.

I'm starting a heavy 2 class summer session for my MBA, and I myself have at least 16 months to go. Some friends have said, "Just wait the 16 months when you're both finished with school.". No...that doesn't work for me. People change...feelings change...I don't know that we're solid enough right now to go almost 2 years without really having contact and STILL want to be together at the end of that. To be honest, I really don't know her that well. We went to HS, but were never friends then. If you add up all the time we've spent in person together since Nov08, it's been maybe 3-4 weeks. Of course we chat, talk on the phone, txt, and email 10000X a day. But still...in person..maybe 4 weeks. She's starting the 16 month long CLS program in the summer. We have until July, and then (if she does the program), our relationship comes crashing to a halt. She says she doesn't want that and I know for sure I don't. But I'm clueless as to how to make this work.

My instincts are telling me to just bail. Why fight for it when it's still so new and we're not "in love" or anything? Friends have told me I would be stupid to do that. They've said, "You never know. Everything can change in 6 months...it could change tomorrow....don't give up just yet". But I don't want to sit here and wish and hope that she doesn't do the program. That would be selfish and wrong of me. But to be honest...deep down...I wish she would just find a better job and not go to this program. At least then we'd have our weekends together. :-(

What to do

I've got a lot going on lately. I'm stressed about Grad school. I have 6 more classes to take before I graduate. I've been a bit disinterested in Grad school for the last year or so and have taken only one class a semester since my 2nd semester in the program. I used to have a life, so taking one class a semester allowed me to maintain that and still be in school. Well, my dating and social lives are now a thing of the past and I'm wanting to hurry up and get finished with the MBA. However, there's one problem.

I'm afraid of the Finance class I need to take. Everyone that takes it has the choice of taking it with a guy named Pracado online, or with the Indian Dr. Sundar in person. Apparently Sundar's english isn't too great, so being that it is a difficult course to begin with, his broken English makes it even worse. The other option, the online class, is even worse. Everyone with a 4.0 GPA that takes it gets a C in the class. It's that hard. In fact, it's so hard that most people who take it with Pracado, have to take it again because they make D's or F's. Yeah...Finance is NOT my best subject and I don't have a good background in it. So I'm worried. No matter when I take it, I need to take it alone and not with any other classes.

So here's what I'm thinking. I'll take Finance in the summer if I can get Sundar in person. If not, I'll take two electives to get them out of the way. If I can take Fin in the summer and IF I pass it and my GPA stays at 3.0 or higher, I'll only need to take 2 classes a semester for another year and I'll be done. Otherwise, we're looking at another two years to finish at my current one class a semester speed. F*&#@.

Also, I've been invited to go hiking for 5 days in the Grand Canyon in May. I have no experience with hiking or backpacking and the person that wants me to go is a woman I've been interested in for some time. She's not interested in dating, so going away on a trip like this doesn't sound like a great idea. Even though part of me does want to do it. She's an experienced hiker and has invited 4 other people to join. I'm not sure what to expect and she's not the greatest at really explaining things without taking the long way around and missing all the important details. I'm thinking of saying no just because my instincts are telling me not to go there.

I have a wedding in June I have to go to as well. It's in Louisiana and is for one of my good female friends. She and I have a music duo project of her singing and me playing the guitar. She's a close friend, but I really don't agree with her getting married. She has NO idea what's in store for her. She's a single mom and has been married twice before to the same man. Yeah...twice before to the same man...LONG story. Anyways, the man's she's engaged to is a seminary student at Baylor!! My friend is a well-known wildchild and simply cannot be caged. Oh yeah, less than a year ago, she was an atheist too. No shit. I'd like to believe people can change, but in her case, I think she's pretending to be someone she's not just so she can finally have a man that isn't white trash or abusive. Preacher boy seems like a nice guy and apparently had a wild past before finding Jesus or whatever. I don't believe she's ready for this. Preacher's wives...esp Baylor preachers' wives are EXPECTED to be good little Baptist Christian women. Almost like Stepford Wives. Who the F wants to live their life like that?

My friend..the singer, like myself, is NOT someone who can be contained. Give her an inch of freedom and she'll take an entire light year. I've seen this in person and I know for a fact she's kidding herself if she thinks this is going to last. I don't know HOW in the world to approach her about this....so I'm venting it here. I'm worried for her, scared, and a little disappointed that she would be so foolish to pretend to be someone else. I'm not saying the path of self-destruction she was on a year ago was good. I just think she needs to develop and awareness of herself and deal with who she REALLY is before she gets married again.

It's not really my problem, but I'm very concerned about this. I'd rather not go to a wedding I don't think is going to result in a life-long marriage, but that's me. Of course, I can never tell her that and I will go to Louisiana with a big smile on my face and wish them well and say I'm happy for them.

So there's what's eating me lately. I NEED a freakin vacation. However, I don't think my Grand Canyon trip is going to be what I need. I will need a vacation from that vacation is that's what I choose to do. I want to go to a beach...I want to go deep sea fishing again and eat seafood everyday and drink beer on the beach. Even if I have to do it alone...I'll do it. I need to get away and clear my head.